ravings of a lunatic

Had a talk wit yongcheng yesterday. It started off as a normal conversation..just lyke any other day. Then he popped the qn. "Are you attached?".. I was bewildered. How did he find out? all this while, I was trying to hide it from him..i didn't want him to feel hurt. But guess it was only a matter of time before he found out..wats more tt me, melvin and yc were once all wingmates back in sierra. Guess it wld make matters worst. Then he asked the most essential question " is he Christian?"...
I choked back the tears..the past washing over me. it took me a long while but i managed to conjure an answer. "not yet but he's giving it a chance"
He told me he hadn't gotten over me after all this while. I didn't knoe wat to say...

Sometimes I wish tt I understood wat God had planned for us. Why does it seem lyke whenever my life is getting on to something good, it swings around and takes me on a totally different path..one with less prospects, more risks and more dangers lurking around the corner? Sometimes I feel so insecure. I've submitted to the ruling of the Lord..but deep down inside I wish for stability, a more provincial life.

Guess after all this ramblings, u pple out there are getting bored huh? I'm too just sick and tired of writing about how trapped i feel, controlled and manipulated by my sick and warped mind. I am trashed, stripped down to bare nakedness, so vulnerable... I don't want to feel this way. Seeking freedom, I crave for a moment when I can stop thinking altogther. ... but that wld be asking for the impossible.

I'm my worst enemy.

Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there's something left for me
So please come stay with me
'Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking