Hello again…

I know I am supposed to be in deep slumber right now. Just thinking of the ardous hours of work awaiting me at the slaughter house tmr morning just puts me in a mini panic situation. Kind of like what you experience when you were a kid way back on the night before a major examination and you can’t sleep. However, with age, comes a sense of laidbackness, with a slight adopted ‘heck-care’ attitude with results and other people’s reaction. Or perhaps it is just me alone in my escapade.

As I try to focus on penning my thoughts down, the lights switch off and a shrill voice fills the quiet room. 2 am in the morning, and the sounds of siren sound off. No.. don’t worry, there ain’t a fire; on the contrary.. its my mum. My head bursts with overwhelming frustrations and un-sorted out thoughts.. I’ve got to focus. Let it all out…

So here’s the long story cut short, my circumstance at the moment is strangely one similar to tt experience by any workaholic or someone having a over-the-top devotion to the cause of his work, the only exception being that I’ve got my complaints too, and halfway down the road, I feel like throwing down all responsibilities and restoring my hermit lifestyle. The only thing tt stops me in my tracks however are my lovely tutees.. each a different character, a different personality; all of whom I see in them various needs, wants and desires. My goal to help them has surpassed my own limitations, reaching out to them has exceeded the boundaries of my comfort zone. However, even as I sacrifice the slight inkling of possibly having a social life of any sorts, if questioned to whether I have thought of giving up, the answer would be a definite yesh. But somehow, destiny beckons in its strangest ways, luring me to my fate.

In the process, I have neglected my family and boyfriend. This I am quick to admit, and as both seek my attention with whatever time I have remaining; I am stretched. Thin as paper. Wisp as an almond crisp. conflicts on both sides with regards to the allocation of time slots spent on either are frequent. Without a warning, mum is quick to give me a lashings with her tongue, sharp as a knife. “can spend time tuitioning and spend time with bf, why do you not have time for the family? What are you doing? Do you not care about the family?” in a fluster, I am met with a downpour of accusations , my weary heart struggled for answers.. yet somehow or another, I knew tt I had no way of defending myself. No way to make myself heard. On the other side, it concerns late nights at babe’s place where I often fall asleep whilst in my short stay at his house. Following tt, an abrupt halt to beauty slp and a long drive home(which I dread and hate!) and a hour of tossing and turning before I drift back to sleep again. Life is pretty much a bore nowadays with it seemingly running like a tape on re-runs, the only difference is that the character Sihan has become aware of her relentless drive and role in the movie, nothing is new anymore. Added stresses from both parties, vying for attention. Along with the deprivation of time alone to oneself has driven her to certain insanity. I feel sorry for all those around me who are suffering as I suffer. I wish I could make things better, but my strength is little and dwindling. Fatiugue runs thru my bones.